For those who care, I’m currently enroute on being a personal coach, as a result – here’s my first testimonial. She has insisted on sharing it with others, who might be going through the same stuff.
“For half a decade, I’ve been trying to sustain a functional relationship with my ex, who has also happened to be the father of my child.
Due to this “minor” blood connection, I was mildly forced to stay in touch more frequently than I ever wished to. As a result, it has been extremely difficult to have disputes over the best approach towards any parenting decisions especially when it came to selecting an extra curriculum, sport activities or dietary choices.
There was an odd occasion when I thought we’re getting back on track and can finally have an amicable and mature conversations. However, he would use it as an opportunity to express his negative feelings about the past times of us as a couple and comment on past shortcomings of my behaviour. Automatically, the response would be based on my emotional justification, consequently – another argument. Most frustratingly, I could spot his tactics but never seemed to handle it strategically and to avoid yet another friction.
Well, today I had another confrontational message from him, while I was conversing with Vadim. I ended up sharing my experience and feelings about the whole thing on which Vadim had shared some very interesting view based on his own experiences and how he deals with these sorts of situations.
I was really intrigued by the strategic method, rather simple and systematic.
I will try to describe below the technique that Vadim has shared towards the productive response strategy. For a comparison and clear understanding purposes, I will write NOW and THEN so the difference is clear in terms of my old and new attitude.
As an initial mind-set tweak, Vadim suggested NOT to react to one’s accusations as it will enhance his position of power and STRICTLY avoid inclining that his actions are irrational as it will falsely portray me as a dictator. Both are detrimental for the relationship and only raise negative emotions in both parties.
1st step – NOW I will acknowledge one’s feelings precisely by letting them know that they are being understood – (e.g. I get that you feel bitter / pissed off / betrayed)
[when BEFORE I would instantly get wound up by the unfair comments]
2nd step – NOW I will praise the choice of their decision to lift myself into the position of authority – (e.g. Despite our disagreements, you’re a great dad etc.)
[when BEFORE we would start the blame-game of when we both underperformed as parents)
3d step – NOW I will suggest a mutually positive solution that will benefit both parties – (e.g. Let’s try to do our best to support her / Let’s find the best option for her sport coaching etc.)
[when BEFORE we would probably hang up the phone due to losing control]
I found it something easy to understand and workable so very grateful for the technique.